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I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?