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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.