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I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Tequila is Spanish for Iām open to waking up anywhere.