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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
This century is already 15% over.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.