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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"