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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.