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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
There`s no WE in pizza.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!