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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Sometimes you just have to logout...
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.