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once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!