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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.