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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.