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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.