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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.