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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.