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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.