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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.