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When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.