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Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.