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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!