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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.