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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!