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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Mondays should start at noon.
is "insert clever remark here."
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.