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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Hard butter is the devil.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.
I fake my lol`s