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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?