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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.