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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...