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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.