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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.