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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.