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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!