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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)