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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.