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Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5