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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.