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Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.