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Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.