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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.