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When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.