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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
High-five a veteran today.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!