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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.