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Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.