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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?