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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.