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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.