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There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking