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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.