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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"