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something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook