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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
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Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.