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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.