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If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver