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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.