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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.