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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.