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I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.