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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.