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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.