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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.