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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.