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Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.