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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man