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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?