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Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I laugh in the face of normal.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.