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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.