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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.